Supporting Our Supporters

There are many possible feelings and reactions to being told someone you care about has experienced child sexual abuse. You may be shocked, overwhelmed, distressed, angry, questioning why you didn’t know or why they didn’t tell you before, you may even find it hard to believe or take in. For some parents, feelings of guilt in not protecting their child, can be overwhelming.

These responses are to be expected and can precipitate a roller coaster of emotions. One of the challenges can be what to do with this knowledge and your responses to it. For example you may be outraged and angry and want to take action such as reporting it or confronting the perpetrator, or you may be distressed and need to talk to someone.

It can be very difficult to hold what you have been told and not share your responses with anyone else. You will need to talk with the survivor about who you could share it with, such as another trusted person, or a counsellor.

Many of us have a tendency to compare ourselves to others. When we know that others are dealing with bigger issues and needs, we can minimize our own. They can feel ‘petty’ next to the effects a survivor might be dealing with. Many supporters don’t ask for support themselves out of concern for not overloading the survivor. Whilst it is true that survivors are sometimes overwhelmed and find it difficult to connect with  those around them, that is not always the case. Survivors know the value of good support and are capable and willing to offer it, finding meaning in reaching out to help others. They don’t want to be a burden to other people, in fact responding to others’ needs gives meaning and purpose to living.

It can help to be clear about what your needs are and what you are asking of the survivor. For example, rather than ‘I need support too’ more specific statements such as Í need to take a few hours to attend to my own needs and I would value your support to do this’ is a clearer message. This ensures statements or actions aren’t open to misinterpretation.

Many supporters are also survivors. This can be both an advantage and a challenge. Having someone close to you who ‘gets it’ can be helpful- not having to explain the impacts, understanding why you might respond in a certain way, can bring a deep sense of connection. Challenges can also occur around different needs. Survivors are a diverse group, and this extends to their diversity in experience of abuse and responses to it. There is a risk that as a supporter you might minimize your own needs and prioritize others needs over your own. This can sometimes happen when your experience of the abuse has lead you to understand that you are not entitled to protection and care but are responsible to service the needs of others and carry the burden of secrecy.

Survivors supporting each other are challenged with building a safe, trusting relationship that allows space for each other for mutual listening, sharing and supporting the other in the roller coaster journey that is healing.

Survivors sometimes feel overwhelmed by emotions or flashbacks, having no words for what is happening inside thier head and or body, feeling out of control, or just becoming numb. This can leave you feeling helpless.

It may not be possible to explain what is happening. Attempting to address needs or supports during times of heightened emotion or panic, can be really difficult and often very stressful for both parties.

Sometimes the survivor needs some time alone, at other times more active support is needed, such as helping to become present in the moment, aided by physical touch, talking about the here and now, a walk in the fresh air, etc.

Having a plan around this together is useful. When the survivor feels they can comfortably discuss their needs, this can be a good time to talk about, what might be helpful for you to try, if and when that experience occurs again.

A survivor may not always be aware of what would be helpful and sometimes it can take ongoing practice or reaching out to other survivors or supports to see what has helped others.

You are not responsible for providing a solution, but for helping them to come up with their own.

Anger is a useful emotion when it’s expressed safely. Survivors and supporters of child sexual abuse have every right to feel angry about what was done to them. Expressing that in a way that harms or threatens another person’s safety and wellbeing in NOT okay. You have a right to be and feel safe.

Anger is first and foremost a feeling. It is often noticed in our body as tightness, heat, clenching of jaw, hands or muscles, rising blood pressure, pounding in your head. For many survivors it occurs in response to ‘triggers’ or events that evoke a strong feeling. It can bring up images and memories from the past associated with strong emotions and send signals to the brain to go into ‘fight’ mode.

Feelings of anger seek expression in actions. It is usually the actions of anger rather than the feelings and thoughts, that cause us and those around us harm. Anger is sometimes a mask over another emotion, that in that moment is too overwhelming to experience, and so is replaced with anger in a bid to protect oneself from feeling vulnerable or exposed. Anger can also become a problem if it becomes a habitual reaction to all of life’s challenges, and leads to breakdown in relationships, and communication, and aggressive behaviour. You are responsible for managing your feelings, including anger.

As a supporter, you are n ot responsible for managing the survivor’s anger. Yet you may be on the receiving end of it, verbally, emotionally, physically or sexually. You may also feel concerned that the anger may express itself in self-harm or reckless behaviour.

Those who express their anger in harmful actions towards others or themselves need to seek help. SAMSN can assist in obtaining the professional and peer support to deal with anger and its impacts.

For your own safety it is important to know your limits and set clear boundaries about what behaviour you will and won’t accept. When it is an easier time to have a conversation with the survivor about the way you are feeling and discuss means the survivor has to manage anger without it impacting on you or others. This might include taking some ‘time out’, exercise, talking to a mate or a support service, having an agreed plan.

SAMSN encourages any supporter who needs to talk about their concerns, is feeling unsafe or worried about a survivor’s expression of anger to make contact with us, or to utilize one of the 24-hour support services. Some specialists 24-hour services include: Mensline – 1800 789 978 1800 RESPECT – 1800 737 732

Vicarious trauma is a term that usually is applied to therapists and counsellors who work professionally with survivors. It refers to the ‘secondary’ trauma that can occur when you work with survivors of interpersonal trauma. For instance, hearing from a survivor about experiences of abuse and violence can impact powerfully. They may stay with you and potentially make you hypervigilant about your own safety, or the safety of the survivor. Another common example of vicarious trauma is experiencing anxiety, flashbacks or fears about the safety and wellbeing of the survivor. In other words, trauma can be transferable to some degree.

Supporters of survivors may also experience vicarious trauma. Knowing what has happened to someone you care deeply about can stay with you. When the survivor is struggling with the legacies of abuse such as unstable emotions, erratic behaviour, or withdrawal and isolation, you may feel that to some degree also. It is important to validate that these responses are real.

Just as survivors must find a path through this, you also must value your responses and needs. Being kind to yourself, taking care not to ignore your own needs, attending to these needs, seeking support from those who understand, and being clear about your boundaries and limits is important in the everyday and in the longer journey.

You may find it useful to talk to a professional counsellor who works with survivors and their families and friends and other supporters. SAMSN can help with this. It can be a challenge to work out what you share of these impacts with your survivor. Choosing the right time, creating good communication (listening to hear each other not just listening to respond), and sharing both the impacts on you but also what resilience you have seen in the survivor, can be helpful.

Vicarious resilience is also important to notice and acknowledge. This is the “transferable resilience’’ that comes from learning from survivors.  You may  already be aware of what he did to survive and continue on with his life, both in childhood and later life, eg avoiding the perpetrator, trying to tell someone, finding ways to overcome the impacts , seeking help and/or justice, getting up each day when its tough. As supporters, we can learn much about how to survive and cope with the struggles of getting through tough times and learning to trust, be safe and risking connection with self and others.